


Miles Away

by DeterminedAI



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol, Dubious Consent, Gay, Gen, Homophobic Language, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Pansexual Character, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Sexist Language, Teen Pregnancy, Teen Romance, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-03-13 19:16:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13577220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeterminedAI/pseuds/DeterminedAI
Summary: Generally when people discover who they are meant to be they don't do a complete 180. That is not the case with Ashton.At the ripe age of 14 Ash knew something just wasn't right. The pink dresses weren't his thing anymore. He didn't want to be Kristen. He didn't want to be publicly viewed as a female. So he does the only logical thing; change everything and become something new.So when he cuts his hair, binds his chest, and darkens his clothes, high school comes to greet the new boy he is now. An entirely different person.But what happens when a seemingly harmless party completely changes his life AGAIN.





	1. Changes Occurring

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this is my first work on Ao3. It was previously published on my wattpad but is not beta'd so if you'd like to beta it just message me :)  
> -Ace

Out with the old, in with the new. That's what they say. So why is it that people can do that with clothes or whatever but, I can't do that with myself? Purge Kristen and embrace Ashton. Simple. Why can't dad understand I'm not his princess anymore? He just sent me to Aunt Sage's. It's these type of moments when I miss mom most.

I watch as the road passes by, undisturbed with the entire situation folding out. It's been two years since the incident occurred. When I made the worst mistake a naïve 14 year old could do; come out of the closet. I haven't seen my father since a month after that happened. I wonder if he would even recognize me now.

I pick at the chipping black nail polish and the jagged cuticle around them as the car stops in front of the simple looking building. You would think it would look different. The words on the front of the tan building were simple block letters reading Texas Institute for Hormone Replacement. Today was the day I would be meeting with the specialist and see if I would be approved for HRT.

"Alright, let's go see if the doc likes you." Aunt Sage gives a nervous giggle. She has been there for me in the last two years when my father decided to disown me. Her dark blonde hair pulled back in a tight bun and pale blue shrubs make her look older than the 29 years she is.

"Let's do this shit!" The words roll off my tongue without a second thought as I hop out of the car and start making my way towards the door.

"Hey! Keep that mouth clean when you're inside mister!" Sage swats the back of my head when she reaches me at the door. I grin at her as I pull open the door.

I walk up to the receptionist and tap on the counter to get her attention. She was an older woman with greying brown hair and dark brown eyes. Her name tag read Maren, pretty name.

"Hello how may I help you?" Maren's voice was soft and high pitched. I smile warmly, I always liked older people.

"Appointment with Dr. Farley for Ashton Heronchild." I bounce lightly on the balls of my feet in anticipation, this would be the first time I'm meeting my doctor that will be my main one throughout my transition.

"Just a moment, dear. Dr. Farley should be out shortly to get you."

"Thanks miss Maren." I bounce my way over to the seat by Sage. "She said it will be a moment." I pull out my phone to see I had a message from my friend James saying there was a party tomorrow at Bellemy's house. Bellemy was one of the most popular people in the school and also a friend of mine. I've had a crush on him since I moved here in the middle of eighth grade. He doesn't know I'm trans, no one but James does.

I send I a response saying I'll try to make it just as Dr. Farley calls out my name. I stand up and follow him through a door into a comfortable looking room with two chairs, a desk, and a bookshelf with psychology journals and knick-knacks scattered all over.

"I'm Dr. Connor Farley, I will be working with you throughout your transition. Alright why don't we start with how you found out you were transgender." Dr. Farley was a nice looking man around his mid 30s with ginger hair and pale green eyes.

"I was around 13 when I started feeling different, I just dismissed the feelings. In the span of a year I had gotten a boyfriend and made myself wear everything girly. Pink dresses, make up, I did my hair. I felt like I had to put on this mask so he would like me." The memories flow into my head as I start telling the story.

"It was near the breakup that the feelings started up stronger. I felt, and still do, uncomfortable within my own body. So I started doing research, and at first I thought I was genderfluid, I told my boyfriend and he broke up with me saying it wasn't right. It wasn't until months after did I realize that I felt more masculine because now I didn't have the weight of having to be feminine. It was then that I realized I was transgender. I thought it over. It all made since then."

My time with Dr. Farley was only two hours and in those two hours I told him more than I told anyone, even Sage or James. In that time Dr. Farley made the most important decision I needed the answer to and one I received at the end of those two hours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I squealed with pure elation and jumped up and down. "I can't believe it!" Sage practically screamed. "You got approved! Oh my God!"

"I got approved!" I was starting to tear up. Sage and I were standing in our living room of the apartment, looking at the printed and signed script from Dr. Farley.

"This deserves a celebratory dinner at Bon Ton's." Sage grabs her keys and drags me towards the door.

"Really?! I love Bon Ton's!" Bon Ton's was a breakfast all day cafe. Their Eggs Benedict was the best thing ever.

The drive was short considering the cafe was only around the corner from the apartment. I hop out of the car, my black Keds hitting a puddle of water. I peer up at the sky through my dyed black hair to see that it is most definitely cloudy and going to rain.

"Hey don't forget to grab the umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain." I look over at Sage and see she has already go the umbrella in her hand. "Oh."

"See I'm always prepared." She smiles and walks into the cafe. I follow her in and we're greeted by our favorite waitress, Sheryl.

"Hey doll! How have you been?" Sheryl walks us to our normal spot as Sage tells her I got approved for HRT. "Sweetheart that's amazing! Now you want the usual?" Sage and I both nod and Sheryl leaves to put the order in.

Through the night Sage and I talk about what this means and the awesome fact that I got approved. I still can't believe it!

"So there's this party that James invited me to tomorrow night, can I go?" I have always been the one to ask for permission instead of going behind my parent's back.

"As long as you don't drink or do weird drugs from sketchy people, I don't see why not." She looks at me sternly. "I mean it."

"No drinking and no drugs from sketchy people." After that we went home and watched a movie before calling it a night and went to bed.


	2. A Party You Forgot

Why? Just simply, why? Why do I let James convince me to go to parties? Why did I drink when I told Aunt Sage I wouldn't? Oh right. I had the "asshole" exterior I had to keep up because I'm a guy. I blink rapidly when sunlight is suddenly appearing on my hungover eyes. I threw my arm over my face and groan.

"James! I'm going to murder you!" This was not my shout but rather from my close friend and long time crush Bellemy.

"I second that." My voice cracks like a dying cat choking on an Amazonian frog. I roll over only to fall onto the hard and unforgiving floor. "Jesus!" I grunt as the air is knocked from my lungs.

"Dude, Ash, you OK?" James sounds like he's trying to stifle laughter. I glare up at him through my black bangs.

"Yup! Just peachy! Because I totally didn't just almost die!" My voice drips with sarcasm as I squint my eyes and push myself up off the floor. I frown slightly when I notice my clothes are definitely not the way I had them when I left last night, and they were messed up more than the i-slept-in-them kind of way. Why?

"Sure and I just got laid by Scarlett Johansson." The deep, sexy morning voice catches my attention and I look up to see Bellemy, on the bed I just presumably fell off of, looking disheveled and was that a... a hickey?

"You sure look like it. Who'd you nail this time?" I try to sound joking knowing it was most likely Sandra, the head cheerleader. Something flickers in his eyes, almost looking hurt by what I said.

"Oh uhh, I didn't?" He phrases it more like a question causing James to scoff at his pathetic attempt.

"Dude there is a hickey plainly visible on your neck right now and you have the balls to deny you got laid last night?" James throws the, ironically, throw pillow from the chair he was currently sprawled across. The small pillow hits Bellemy's face and he doesn't even flinch, he just sighs and rubs his face.

"Fine! But you can't tell anyone!"

"We won't. Right James?" I look over to him and quirk an eyebrow.

"Totally. Bro code man. And Scouts honor." James does this weird salute thing, confusing the hell out of me and by the look on his face, Bellemy too.

"Were you even a boy scout?" I laugh a the thought of James, punk-rock-music-and-piercings-James, in a beige and navy uniform tying knots or selling cookies or whatever it is they do.

"Yes! Yes I was!" James puts his hand to his chest and leans back in mock offence. I snort at the scene he's making and look back to Bellemy, trying to keep my expression joking when in actuality my heart feels like it went through a blender.

"Sooo... Who'd you shack up with?" I lean forward, only partly faking curiosity.

"The- uh girl that always sits by herself at lunch. I think her name is Janet." Bellemy says a bit timidly, as if he didn't really feel confident in saying this.

"No way! How was she? I hear the quiet ones are the freaky ones in bed. Did she give good head?" James bounces slightly in his chair, always the one to know way more than he should on people's sex lives.

"Uhh yeah, I guess. Can we not talk about this?" He scratches his head, the uncomfortable look clear on his face.

"Why?" I was intrigued to say the least. "You always disclose the gory details whenever you get laid." As my statement he looks shocked and annoyed.

"Jesus! What I can't fucking have sex and keep it to myself?!" His shout is directed at me. I flinch because he is never the person to yell. At anyone. Without another word he slips off the bed and storms out of the room leaving me and James to sit awkwardly in his wake.

"What was that about?" James whispers to himself just as confused as I am at the situation.

"Ok well I need to go home before my aunt personally hunts me down." I stand up off the floor and pop my back.

"'Ight, bye man." He stands up and pulls me into a "bro hug" before I leave the room, go down the stairs, and out the front door.

I start to walk away from Bellemy's when I'm suddenly grabbed by the arm and pulled to the side. Startled I look at the person to find it's Bellemy. My heart pounds rapidly at our proximity.

"What do you remember from last night?" His grey eyes are piercing and his voice is demanding yet soft. I rack my brain for a response. What did I remember? I remember coming to the party and drinking shot after shot. Dancing. Laughing. Kissing but with who I don't remember.

"Not much." With my answer his face falls slightly but he tries to mask it. He lets go of my arm and steps away.

"Oh." Pain laces his voice, but why?

"Why?" C'mon give me a clear answers.

"Umm we... talked," oh no does he know I like him? "and you kind of told me about some stuff." Now I was on the brink of an anxiety attack. Did he hate me? Did he know I like him?

"About what?" No no no no.

"Well you umm told me that you uh are transgender..." Jesus, this is worse.

"I did?" I'm surprised, my voice didn't crack but it did rise in pitch at the end.

"Yeah..." I can't read his expression clearly for the first time since I've met him. Oh God what if he hates me? What if he is disgusted by me? Crap. My face falls at the thoughts and possibilities. "Hey, I don't hate you if that's what you're thinking." Sure. I scoff inside my head. Everybody thinks I'm a freak at my old school. What's changed?

"Seriously Ash. You're one of my best friends, I would never hate you." He puts his hands on my shoulders and my head snaps up at the action.

"Really?" Hope lifts my heart just a tiny bit.

"Yes Ash. Really." His eyes are soft, the smudged black eyeliner pronouncing the bright silver grey.

"Thanks Belle." I smile timidly at him.

"Do you want a ride home? I'm sure Sage is worried."

"Yeah, that'd be nice." Belle smiles softly and leads the way to the front of the house to where his car is.

I take in his soft looking brown hair, the curve of his ass, the width of his shoulders, and his overall height. I make my way to the passenger side door and wait for him to unlock the door. We get into the car and Belle starts it and turns on the CD placed in there. Blink-182's song Aliens Exist starts playing and I him along.

Soon it's me and Bellemy scream singing along to the song, laughing when one or the other trips over lyrics. All too soon Bellemy is pulling up to my apartment complex and it's time to say goodbye.

"Thanks for the ride man." I smile and open my car door.

"No problem Ash." He almost looks as if he wants to say something more but just nods and reverses the car and leaves. I wave briefly before heading inside.

"-okay thank you... mhmm you too buh bye." Sage is standing in the kitchen just getting off the phone and looking at me. "Guess who that was."

"Who?" I raise my eyebrows.

"You're supposed to guess silly." She gives me a duh look.

"Meh too much effort. So who was it?" Sage smiles brightly and bounces slightly on the balls of her feet.

"Well it was Dr. Farley and he was confirming a few dates..."

"For?" Yes! Testosterone!

"In two weeks we need to go get blood work done so they can make sure you're fully capable of taking T. Then there will be a follow-up appointment three weeks after to review the results." She squealed when she finished and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"Oh my God. This is actually happening! Yes!" We jump up and down and squeal while still embraced. When she lets go of me and holds me at the shoulders.

"It's your birthday in two days, what do you want to do?"

"We should go to Main Event." I suggest.

"Yeah! And you can bring a few friends like James and possibly Bellemy." She giggles her eyebrows knowing fully that I have a major crush on him.

"Oh! Speaking of Bellemy, I told him last night."

"He better have not hurt my baby."

"No actually he was pretty chill about it."

"Good. I would have kicked his ass if ever hurt my little butterfly." My heart squeezes at the nickname, Mom used to call me that.

"Ha no. I'm gonna go read in my room for awhile." I tell sage as I make my way to my room.

"Ok I'm going to make lunch and head off to work soon." 

"Alright." I respond simply as I shut my door and flop onto my bed. I can't believe I told Bellemy... Holy cow...

I pull the book I'm currently reading out and delve into the depths of the fantasy world.


	3. Hangovers and Periods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to post this... oops...  
> -Ace

  I groan as I pull off my binder, rubbing at the small red indents under my arms and under breast. My skull throbbing as I flick on the bathroom lights and ridding myself of my boxers, only then noticing the horror that comes with having female genitalia. Periods. Great. Another pair ruined. I wasn't expecting this for another few days.

Just as I'm throwing the soiled boxers in the sink to rinse with hot water, no sooner am I bent over the toilet hacking up the nonexistent contents of my stomach. Never do I want to drink again. Screw you. James. Screw you.

I slowly make my way into the shower where the water was already warming up, releasing a content sigh as the hot water cascades down my tense muscles. Gingerly kneading my abdomen and breasts due to their tender state. I wash my hair trying to prolong getting out.

When the water starts getting cold I turn off the shower and step out, flinching when the cool air bites at my fevered skin. Quickly drying off and pulling an oversized shirt on. I leave my lower half uncovered for now, opening the cabinet and pulling out the blow dryer, plugging it in and drying my hair.

Grabbing the essentials from the cabinet when I put the dyer back, I walk back into my grey-walled room, in search for the dreadful underwear. Panties. Even the word sounds gross. I put everything in order and slip them on along with a pair of basketball shorts.

Walking into the living room and seeing what I saw was completely unexpected. Sage dancing around in her scrubs, hair in a neat bun, pouring her heart out into Gerard Way"s song Brother. That song has always held a part of me that I can't seem to explain. Maybe because she always liked My Chemical Romance. I'm glad she didn't have to go through their break up like Sage and I did. I miss her.

"-Does anyone have the guts to shut me up? Cuz I believe that every night There's a chance we can walk away-" 

"Sage?" I interrupt her singing and startling her to high heaven. "Just wanted to inform you that Nature as reminded me of my curse."

"Oh ok. Umm the heating pad is in the bathroom closet... You never saw that, got it?" Sage coughs awkwardly like I don't always see her singing along to random songs.

"Yeah totally." My phone pings in my pocket and I pull it out to see I have a message from Bellemy.

Belle: Hey Ash wanna hang out?

Me: Sure. Where?

Belle: the roof?

Me: Totally. See you in a few.

"Hey Sage, I'm going to hang with Belle on the roof."

"Ok, well I'm going to change and watch Netflix."

I head back to my room and put on my binder, a snapback, and my Keds. Making my way out of the apartment and up to the roof where I find Bellemy already there.

"Dude where you already up here when you text me?" I ask slightly laughing.

"Maybe." He rolls his black lined eyes and his cheeks go a light shade of pink. Is he blushing?!

Bellemy's POV.

I was already on the roof when I text Ash. I really needed to talk to him about the party. If he really doesn't remember anything. Does this make me gay? I mean he does have... that. So it doesn't make me gay right? I mean there's nothing wrong with gays, I'm close friends with a lot of gays, but I'm not gay.

"Dude where you already up here when you text me?" I hear him laugh when he asks this and alerting me to his presence.

"Maybe." I roll my eyes and feel my cheeks heat up. Curse you traitorous blood.

"So what did you want to talk about? You only tell me to come up here when one of us need to talk about something." He sits down on the ledge with me, slightly wincing.

"Umm, well, do you really not remember that much from the party?" I ask hesitantly, unsure if I should tell him or not.

"Yeah, I don't remember much except getting stupid drunk." He groans and leans his head on my shoulder making my breath hitch. "Why did you let James get me that wasted?"

"I mean I didn't know that you got that wasted." Oh how I wish you didn't. "If it makes you feel better he got me wasted too." Just not so much I don't remember.

"I guess. Just don't let James ever do that again, you know how Sage feels about those things." He sighs.

"Yeah of course, man. James needs to stop being stupid and making it his personal mission to get us drunk. I mean we could do something incredibly idiotic." Again. "Plus he of all people should know what it's like to be an only child and face the wrath a parent can have." Ash tenses up at that and stops leaning on my shoulder.

"Hey, um, I kinda need to go. I told Sage I'd help her with- something." He scrambles to his feet. All I can think is, oh shit I fucked up but how.

"Ok-ay? I'll see you tomorrow then?" I'm still confused as to what's happening.

"Yeah sure." His curt reply is all I get before the roof door slams shut, finalizing the departure and my loneliness.

The actual hell just happened?

Ash POV.

When Bellemy said I was an only child it brought up the unwelcome memories of her and I just had to get out of there. The memories flow and I can't stop them.

FLASHBACK (3rd person)

The young girl around the age of 7 or 8 giggles at the joke her 16 or 17 year old brother said. Not fully understanding the innuendo at that age but understanding that it was supposed to be funny. 

Their mother around the age of 34 scolds the older boy, the harsh line on her forehead becoming prominent. Her blonde hair swept into a side braid and honey eyes betraying her amusement.

The father sitting at the table, also 34, faintly smiling at the scene unfolding before him. No one even faintly aware of the impending trouble about to be their way in a few short hours. 

The boy picks up the girl and sets her on his shoulders, wanting to enjoy his last few weeks of precious family time before he is sent away to the prestigious boarding school across the country, the one he got into because of his outstanding grades. The little girl completely unaware that her favorite person is going to be moving far away. The boy runs around the living room in a zigzag pattern making a weird noise, that of one mimicking a plane, causing the girl to get caught up in another round of giggles.

The mother and father both sitting at the dining table both enjoying the fact that, even though their son was the product of a teenage pregnancy, that they made it this far together.

FLASHBACK END

I sit down heavily on the edge of my bed, thinking. I need a release. I need the confirmation. I need my blade. I stand up and shakely wipe the tears from my eyes as I get the object from the old wallet. Taking it out of the old bandaid wrapper, I know the gravity of what I'm about to do, yet I can't find myself caring. I don't care that I'm going to be breaking my promise. To myself. To Sage. To my friends.

I just pull the blade out and my shorts down. Putting the blade to the skin on my hip, I swipe my hand quickly, biting my lip at the sensation. Over and over I repeat the action, covering old scars with new cuts.

Sated, I put the blade back in its hiding spot and clean up my hip. Numb to the once intrusive thoughts. I just lay there, staring at nothing, eyes unfocused. I don't know when or after how long but I eventually fall asleep.


	4. Birthdays and Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I didn't update last week, this is a day early

  There were three things that I became painfully aware of when I woke up. One: I fell asleep in my binder and my ribs felt like they were bruised. Two: I had relapsed. Three: today was my seventeenth birthday.

I get out of bed and slowly take off my shirt and then my binder. Inspecting the area, it doesn't appear to be bruised, thank God, although it was going to be tender for awhile. I slip back on my shirt and head to the bathroom to change- the unpleasantries, and take a shower. 

As I'm leaving the bathroom, after a brief shower, I'm hit with a wave of nausea. It was uncomfortably sitting in the back of my throat, at the ready. I sigh and change into some ripped skinny jeans, my favorite tank top of a purple and blue wolf and add a black and white plaid shirt. I flip my black hair to the side and pull a dark blue beanie on.

Trying to ignore the nudge in the back of my throat I walk into the living room to grab my bag for school and I decide to skip breakfast, fearing I won't be able to keep it down. As I start my walk to school I notice Fall Out Boy has released a new video and click on the link. 

After watching the video I am put in a solemn mood, memories flood in like the Niagara Falls.

A father and daughter, dressed all in black, mourning.

An empty house reeking of stale vodka and dust.

A family sitting in front of a TV, laughing at the absurd movie playing.

A father screaming at a teary eyed daughter.

I can't think of this on my birthday. Sooner than I realize I'm at the school, walking through the side door leading to the library.

The nausea hasn't left and it doesn't seem like it's planning on leaving anytime soon. Again I try to ignore it and search for my loser friends. As I'm nearing our meeting spot I hear James talking.

"-doesn't mean you're completely gay. You could be bisexual or pan. If you like him-" James cutoff when he noticed me walking up. "Hey Ash! Happy birthday!" What I want to know is who he was talking to and why he suddenly cut off.

"Hey, thanks." I smile at James. I look over at who he's talking to and I don't see anyone. "Who were you talking to?"

"Oh just my- cousin, on the phone."

"Cool. Oh! How's Cinthia doing?" His aunt, Cinthia, just went through a nasty divorce.

"Good good. So I was wondering if you wanted to go to this party tonight-"

"Do you remember last party?" I cut him off.

"I meant a party for your birthday. An acquaintance of mine is hosting a party and said he could vamp it up and make a super wicked bday party for you." I raise my eyebrows at him.

"Really?"

"Hey guys, what are we talking about?" A new voice says. I look over to see one of our other friends, Nolan. I turn to him and tell him about the party James want to go to.

"Well I think we should. Let loose Ashton, it's your birthday." He sasses me.

"Exactly why I shouldn't go." I groan.

"Shouldn't go where?" Bellemy asks while walking up.

"To a party one of James' acquaintances is hosting." Nolan responds and crosses his arms over his body. Bellemy quirks an eyebrow.

"Really James? Remember last party?" He deadpans.

"Exactly what I said!" I violently jester towards Belle and accusingly look at James.

"Oh my god guys. It's not like anyone died. You two need to chill out." Nolan sides with James.

"I'll think about it okay." And with that the conversation is dropped.

"Happy birthday, Ash." Bellemy muttered from beside me. I faintly smile at him.

The shrill bell rings and we all part ways, heading to separate classes.

It's well into second period and the nauseous feeling hasn't gone away, if anything it has gotten worse. I raise my hand and ask to use the restroom. Walking into the guys restroom I immediately head over to the sink and splash water on my face. It was the wrong move. I dash to a stall, not bothering to lock it, and vomit into the toilet.

Suddenly there's a patting on my back and a cool paper towel on the nape of my neck. I rest my forehead on my arm and turn it slightly to see who it is. Nolan.

"Hey, you feeling any better?" His lips pulled to the side in an awkward grimace as concern laces his voice. I nod my head.

"Yeah a little."

"Do you want to go to the nurse?"

"Nah, I just want to head back to class."

"You sure man? It would really suck for this to happen elsewhere." His dark brown eyes still filled with concern for his friend. I smile at him hoping to ease his worry, he's like the mother friend of the group in times like this.

"Thanks Nol, I promise I'm fine now." I sigh and stand up. "I'll see you at lunch." With that I leave the restroom and rinse my mouth out at the water fountain beside the door.

By the time lunch rolls around I'm much better. Nolan, Bellemy, James and I are all in our spot eating.

"I just don't understand how you can be a vegetarian! I would die if I couldn't get my bacon fix!" James is a very over dramatic person so when he practically yells this he is sprawled all over the floor.

"It's called ovo-lacto-pescetarian, meaning I only eat eggs, dairy, and fish." I laugh at him.

"I have no idea how the hell you say that but I agree with you Ashton." Nolan pipes up.

"Thanks Nol. Why can't you guys be like that?"

"Be-because bacon, Ash, BA-CON." James sits up and shakes my shoulders.

"How do you feel about this Belle?" Nolan's quarry reminds me of Bellemy's presence.

"I gonna have to side with James on this, bacon is amazing." He shrugs his shoulders.

"Le gasp. How dareth thee!" I fake gasp and put my hand over my heart.

"And the sass master is here." James cackles out.

"The sass master is always here baby." I mock offense and flip my barely there hair like a valley girl.

"Valley girl back up is here!" Nolan pitches his voice to sound an obnoxious tune.

"Oh Em Gee! I can not believe you don't agree with me!" James joins in and soon we're all at it with cringy valley girl voices making fun of anything and everything. The reminder of my relapse still there, in the back of my mind, making me painfully aware of my broken silent promise.

After school Sage and I have a nice home cooked meal and she gives me a present. Which consisted of a new binder and concert tickets for Black Veil Brides for when they play in Dallas at the South Side Ballroom. Bit of a drive but that doesn't matter. All evening we have a great time joking and playing card games, that get super intense because who plays Bull Shit with only two people and a half deck of cards. But soon James and Nolan show up to give me a ride to my "birthday party". I say goodbye to Sage and soon I'm off to a party where Murphy's Law becomes my life.


	5. Something called Cherry Pie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the archive warnings due to what happens near the end of the chapter, please be cautious, it may be too graphic for some. This was a difficult chapter to write and then have to rewrite.

The problem with being James’ friend is his involvement with super sketchy people. The acquaintance he talked about is only as Viper. No one really knows his real name, not even his “friends”. Insert red flag here. The fact that he is a college sophomore, meaning he is around 19, should have raised another. Insert super socially awkward teens at a revamped college party yet for some unholy reason they practically adopted Nolan and Bellemy into their clan. Thus them being dragged off and leaving James and I to our own devices.  
That is, until Viper came over,  
Viper is going on and on about this girl in his sociology class that he bang. It’s super creepy how he is describing in vivid detail on how he wants it to be in front of everyone in the class on the professor’s desk. Flag three.  
Swallowing the last of my drink, I make up my mind; I can’t incessant chatter anymore so interrupting cow in 1… 2… 3… “So how do you and James know each other?” Simple question. Right?  
“It was a party. Pipsqueak here bought some weed off me.” Viper’s grin is unsettling to say the least.  
Indignantly, James shouts, “I am so not a pipsqueak!”  
“Dude you’re shorter than me!” I snort.  
Flag four yet seemingly harmless, “Yo! I’m going for a refill. Anyone want one?” Viper asks the small group we have going on. A few cups were passed with requests.  
“Want some?” James offers a lit joint.  
I shrug, “Sure, better than having a stick up my ass all night.”  
“Remember: puff, puff, pass.” It’s one of the frat guys in the group that cracks the Hufflepuff joke.  
Just as I’m taking a drag Viper comes back with the drinks, “Which strain are we passing around?”  
“Indica, this is Cherry Pie.” James says as I take a large swig of my drink. For a college party you’d think they’d have better alcohol.

The music pounded into my eardrums. Sweaty bodies all around mine. The multicolored lights blur together and the bass is thumping deep in my chest. People and lights tangle and mix before my eyes, blurring together like embers in a fire. Thump-a thump-a. Is that my heart?! It’s going so fast! Its gonna explode!  
Poking the guy next me, “Is… is my heart gonna…” shit I forgot. Word. Word. Word. “Y’know, kablooy?” Yeah that’s it but the guy looks utterly confused. Is he trying to look in my eyes? Why is he doing that? My heart is the problem?! This guy- wait what’s his name? As he puts a hand on my shoulder, I ask, “What’s your name?”  
“What are you on?” His eyes narrow and his brow creases.  
“Hey! That- that’s not a name!” What a goofball, I laugh.  
He just sighs and says, “Kid. how old are you? You’re too young to be here alone. And your tweeked out. Here, give me your phone and I’ll call someone for ya.” I giggle more and hand the nice man- what is his name?!- my phone. He looks like a Kevin. Imma call him Kevin.  
“Kevin, I’m hungryyyyy. I want fooooood.Oh!” I fall on my but and start laughing hysterically yet Kevin just deeply sighs. Like a disappointed dad. Why is he annoyed? I’m de… de… delightful!  
“C’mon kid, up you go,” Kevin said as he tried to pull me to my feet. He fails. Miserably. Look its Viper! I wave.  
He walks over and grins. Right. He’s a weirdo. “Hey Will, I see you found my friend Ash. I was looking for him. Come on Ashy, time to get you home!” He puts me over his shoulder and walks away. I’m confused. Where are we going? Who’s Will? Where’s Kevin? James? I gasp and giggle and I’m suddenly tossed on a bed. Yes! I can finally sleep!  
“We’re going to have so much fun Ashy.” What?  
“Nuh uh. I’m gonna sleep, you silly goose.” I try to boop his nose but that doesn’t work when there’s three.  
“No my little Ahsy, were going to have fuuun.” Hands are over my sides pulling on m shirt.  
I try to swat them away. “Stop it. ‘M tryin’ to sleep.” But his grip only tightens and pulls at my shirt rougher. Now I’m scared. I cry out.  
“Shh baby, someone might hear and stop us from having fun.” He bites my ear and has shredded my shirt. My heart pounds. I can’t breathe. The bass of the music is screaming now. “Ooo was my my little Ashy hiding he’s actually a slutty girl?”  
Tears streak my face as I try to push him off. “Leave me alone.” He snarls and pulls out a knife and holds it to my throat.  
“Listen here slut, you will obey me.” He rips down my jeans, cutting of my underwear, “Looks like my little tranny still wears panties.”  
His zipper is being pulled down and I start thrashing. The knife pinches at my throat. I freeze as I feel blood trickle out. He growls.  
“Don’t. Move. Don’t speak.”  
I’m flipped over. Tears stream harder when I feel him enter me. Don’t move. Don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t- the side of my face is shoved into the puke green comforter. The beige wall started to warp and now there’s blood seeping out of it.  
His body stills as he groans and pulls out. Taking his knife from my throat. “I told you we would have fun, tranny.” He zips up his jeans and leaves.  
I can’t believe that just happened to me. I lay there. Broken. Used. The walls are bleeding. My throat is on fire. My body aches.  
I cry. I want to curl up- DON’T MOVE! I don’t know how long it is that I spend staring at the bleeding walls. Tears silently drying on my empty face. Shirt in shreds along with my underwear. Jeans pooled at my ankles. I don’t know how long I stare at the bleeding walls. I don’t know how long it is until I hear someone scream my name. I don’t know how long it is when someone pulls me up and my eyes can’t focus on their face. I don’t know how long it is before I pass out.


	6. SAFE now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the party. 
> 
> Wow sorry it’s been a long while since I’ve posted a new chapter I’m sorry about that.

My mouth is dry and my head is pounding against my skull. A dull thud pulsing in my ears from my heartbeat. Opening my eyes is difficult and I squint against the harsh fluorescent lighting. The stench of body fluids and sterile plastic invade my senses and I lean over and puke bile. Someone rushes over and rubs my bare back in soothing circles. 

“Oh honey.”The voice is feminine and pained. Feeling exposed I sat back, pulling the hospital gown tighter around me. Sage sat on the edge of my hospital bed; she had red eyes and blotchy skin like she had been crying for hours. “Ashton, darling, I’m so sorry. So sorry.” She started crying again. 

I reached out to hold her hand and I gasped at the sudden flash of pain that radiates all across my body. The knife, the nasty words, hands on my hips, my back. I gasp. My hand flies up towards my throat to feel bandages and I whimper. Sage looks up at the sound and sees my hand at my throat. 

“You has a nasty cut. It needed sutures. You have deep bruising on your hips and thighs.” She choked up before taking a shaky breath and continuing. “You also needed sutures… down there. They did the biological and photographic part of the SAFE kit already but we need you to at least confirm who it was. James, Bellemy, Nolan, and a man named William have already made statements on your behalf. I’m going to go get the officer and doctor.” Sage looked defeated as she got up from the bed, it was then I noticed she was still in her scrubs but her hair was down.

As soon as Sage opened the door she said a few words that I couldn’t discern and left but soon Nolan and Bellemy rushed it with a terrified James slowly walking behind them. Nolan looked distraught and Bellemy looked afraid to get to close. Nolan was the first to speak. 

“I found you… Bellemy here caught him before he could leave with help from Will. And James feels like utter shit for convincing all of us to go there… Will knew there was something wrong when you bumped into him and were taken away.” Sage walked in then with the officer and doctor. 

“If you all could leave for the moment, there are sensitive matters to be discussed.” The soft spoken doctor said. I recognized him to be one of Sage’s colleagues, Jefferson. He was a few years older than Sage. 

The officer was a woman. She had dark curly hair that almost matched her complexion. Her name tag said Lowe. She smiled gently after the door shut and she grabbed her notepad and pen. “Hey sweetie, I’m officer Lowe but you can call me Audrey. I just wanted to ask you a few questions, is that alright?” She waited for me to nod before continuing. “Did you willingly take any illegal substances besides marijuana? No. Were you acquainted with the assailant before last night? No. Did the assailant offer you an open container drink? Yes. And lastly was this the assailant, Kyle Rhodes? Most likely known as ‘Viper’.” Audrey held up a photo of Viper and I nodded stiffly. Audrey’s mouth set in a grim line. “All right that’s all I need right now. I’ll be in contact with further information.” She left the room and Jefferson stepped forward. 

“Alright Ash, I would like to ask some personal safety questions due to the harm we found on your leg.” He seemed saddened even more by having to ask and I didn’t want to talk about this. It was shameful. Wrong. I sighed. “In the past six months have you made plans or thought about killing yourself?” I shook my head. “Are you seeing a counselor for your current needs?” I nodded. “Do you feel like a danger to yourself at this moment? Do you hear or see things that other people don’t? Have you thought about killing another person?” Each time I shook my head. “Alright, considering what has occurred and your mental state we’re going to keep you here for 48 hours. I also am required to have you sign a waiver saying you try and seek help from your peers or professionals if you feel like you need to hurt yourself.” A nurse popped in with a clipboard and Jefferson went over and grabbed it. He read over it and said a few words to the nurse before turning back to Sage and I.

“Your blood test results came back. As we suspected you were drugged with a blend of Ketamine and Ecstasy. Along with the alcohol in your system you are dehydrated so while you’re here you will be on an IV drip of fluids. The sutures for the va-“ he stopped what he was saying, choosing to reword is statement, “for the genital tearing are going to dissolve but the ones on your neck will need to be removed in a week. Because of the damage to the throat you are going to be on vocal rest for 72 hours. A nurse will be on here later to change the bandages.” Jefferson looked pained. “We do offer 24 hour psychologists if you need one Ash.” He started to leave and Sage got up to hug him. 

“Thank you Antoni. You have no idea how much this means to me.” She stepped back and he nodded reassuringly and left the room. Sage came back and sat beside me. I leaned in and hugged her tightly letting the sobs I had been holding in out. 

A few hours later the nurse from earlier came in and changed the bandages on my neck. 19 stitches. He almost cut my jugular. The nurse placed a plastics sticky bandage over the stitches with the comment of saying that I could take a bath but not a shower as to not getting them wet. She asked if I wanted help getting there and seeing that Sage was getting much needed sleep, I nodded. 

After drawing the bath for me and helping me into the bathroom the nurse left. Slowly taking off the hospital gown I look at all the bruising, the darkest ones in the shape of hands. Holding onto the railing I step into the warm water, pain radiating from my lower half. Sitting down in the tub and hugging myself was when I let the tears come. I gently washed myself and quickly got dressed, not wanting to see the damage longer than necessary.

I lay in the hospital bed for a while before I was able to drift into an uneasy sleep. The nurse had disconnected my IV drip to take a bath and now it was on fire, I couldn’t stay asleep with it, so I grabbed the little remote by the bed and pressed the call nurse button. Soon the IV was reconnected and only was I able to sleep although it was an unfulfilling sleep. It was still sleep.


End file.
